grief – Miss Brendol's Memorial

We are still swimming

My Darling Baby B,

Just catching you up. We keep swimming along here without you. But miss you every day. You would have turned 13 about a month ago. Never knew your exact birthday, but know it’s probably around December. And at this time last year, you were not feeling so good and I had just found out on January 31st that you had osteosarcoma. So I was researching like crazy on the web and crying a lot and hugging you more. On February 6th, we got rid of that painful awful leg so that you could feel better, and you did. Who would have thought that at this time this year, you would no longer be snuggled up beside me. And instead of you here, there is now the additions of Adelaide and Bagheera.

Yep, that’s right. Nearly 4 weeks ago, your sister Adelaide found this little 6 month old boy hanging out out back on a cold cold morning. Don’t know why, but he crawled right up into my arms and hasn’t left since, so a little boy has been added to the Girl household. You’d be having a blast with Adelaide taunting him I’m sure. You always thought it was so fun to make the cats run. I was thinking of naming him with something that started with an “M” so go along with his new feline sisters. But I wasn’t finding anything that sparked my interest. And then I ran across Bagheera, the black panther in the Jungle Book. And I liked that the character was sweet and charismatic. And I liked that it started with a “B”, just like my Brendol. This is Bagheera:

It’s been slow going integrating the household, but we are getting there. For the last few nights, he has been running free in the house with Adelaide hanging out too. And yesterday, I got both of them chilling on the couch together.

You missed a decent snow this past week. I still remember when you were introduced to your first snow. We were in Dallas, and you ran ovals in the back yard banking so hard that as your were turning at full speed, your waist was almost brushing the ground. You had such a blast. Well, this was another one like that. Not deep still, but fun enough to run in. Your sister Adelaide had fun with it, it was her first snow too. I kept thinking about how you were.

And then there is your sister Aissa. She’s been doing pretty good. I can see her slowing down, like you did. Not that she was every a big ball of energy like you and Addy were as young’uns. But slower never the less. She still knows how to have a good time though. And she’s keeping Adelaide in line as much as she can.

Anyways, we all miss you. We all love you. And I love you from the bottom of my heart. You were and will always be my Baby B and my Poochy Butt and my Sweat Pea.

From Me to You

I got arms that long to hold you
And keep you by my side.

Just call on me and i’ll send it along
With love from me to you.

Dear Brendol,

Today, it has been 10 days that you have been gone. Do you know how much I miss you?

I know you are whole and happy and painfree once more. Where you are, I hope there are millions of bubbles floating in the air and tinker-bells dancing across the grass for you to chase. I hope you were greeted by Allegra and Sadie. You always loved playing with Sadie and I’m sure she is happy to have company now. Don’t aggravate Allegra too much, even though you think it’s fun.

Have you met up with our online friends? We’ve heard so much about them and now you can play with them. Be sure to look for Sassy, Shooter, Wookie, Dakota, Maggie, Bogi, Kermit, Franklin, and Jerry! And there are probably some other friends that will be joining you soon, so make sure you are a good host and show them the ropes when they get there.

Your sisters miss you too. Aissa didn’t eat very well for a week and you know how much she loves to eat. And Adelaide has had a bad tummy. You know Mathilde and Morrigan don’t pay much attention, we can’t expect much from them as cats, but I know they miss you too.

I love you so much. I don’t have anybody to cuddle with me just perfectly as you knew how. You would get as close as you possibly could without actually laying on top of me! I loved that feeling. And our weekends where you would come squish in between me and the couch and lay down where I could watch the tv or work on the computer but still feel you near me and rub your head and your super soft ears. Nobody can snuggle as well as you! Your dollies are all still laying around the living room where you left them. Aissa has played with your sheep, but you two shared good anyway. I did put your hippo up because that was your favorite and I don’t want it ruined. Every day, when I head upstairs, it is disappointing now to see that you haven’t messed up the bed or taken the pillows into the bathroom. I know I teased you about that, but it really was endearing.

Did you see that Rene and Jim put up a banner on the tripawd site for you? It is very cute (of course, because it is of you). I also hung a big picture of you with all your bubbles on my office wall where I can smile upon you nearly everyday. And Miss Katy and Jackson did a little video of Jackson learning about bubbles because they heard how much you loved them. Rupa heard of your passing and she put up a pretty picture of you on her facebook to tell everybody what a sweet girl you were. So I hope you can feel how much everybody loves you. Nobody more so than me.

Please don’t worry about your momma. I will be ok. Aissa and Adelaide will help take care of me. My heart does hurt and I may still cry often, but it is just because you were such a special girl. You know that I fell in love with you the very first time we met. And I am so happy you didn’t have to stay with that awful man. You deserved so much because you had such a sweet soul. I can’t think of anybody you didn’t like. I mean, I know you scared the neighbor kids when they were running through our yard, but they deserved that. And you didn’t dislike them, you just knew they didn’t below in the yard. I wish I could still kiss you on your soft nose. And rub your forehead until you fell asleep. And hold you super tight when you are afraid of your farts (I know, they scared you). I spent over 12 years wanting to make everything the best it could be for you, so now I miss that part of my job.

Anyway, I am waiting to be able to go pick up your cremains. I ordered a really pretty urn for you and Rene is going to make a pretty charm with your name on it to hang on the urn. Have fun where you are. All I ever wanted was your to be happy. Know I love you. I miss you. I will think of you often. And some day, I will see you again.

With all my love, from me to you.

Brendol and baby Aissa

Hold Them Close

What a crazy ride this month has been. From finding out about Brendol’s cancer, to amputation, to chemotherapy, and then a friend going into hospice, and his passing away two days ago. All followed by a round of cancer dogs losing their fights this past week or the pawrents getting tragic news about their conditions. I have run the gammut of crying and indecision to even elation at how well Brendol has done. This past week, things finally started feeling like they were back to normal at home, and I was so happy about my Brendol doing good that it was easy to ignore the fact that she HAS cancer. Of course, I put a lot of my time into helping my friends through the process of dieing. And I’m trying to help them grieve along with grieving myself. But then last night, all of the news of varying individuals having their pets also lose their battles was very deflating. It reminded me of my limited time with my baby girl. I’m trying so hard to balance feeling good about her progress with fearing losing her. And so many battles seemed to be lost so quickly. My friend went from still being able to stay at home (although we were going to have him go to an assisted living facility this past week) to being gone in 2 weeks. And one of the dogs that I was following his progress, went from just getting his brace for his leg to not being able to breathe in a matter of days. Everything is just so uncertain. And I am a control FREAK. Try controlling Cancer or Parkinsons! Not happening.

So, I laid in bed last night and I cuddled around my baby girl and I just held her tight for as long as she would let me. I try to remember that the love we have in our life is why losing those close to us hurts so much. It’s all a balance. Grief and Joy. Love and Loss. May I learn the lesson I need to learn with grace, and may I learn it quickly :D.

So, this is just a reminder, to hold your loved ones close.